Can't sleep, sick of waiting.

I can't sleep. We had a few profiling possibilities and we weren't selected by either of them. I had this sense that it was meant to be! That one of these children was going to be our son. Neither of them even considered us.

Having the experience that I have, you would think I know better than to get my hopes up every time my profile is thrown into the mix. But do I? No. I never fucking learn! Every freaking time....I get a call, my heart races, I hear the specific details, it's a good placement, I throw our hat into the ring and it gets trampled, along with my heart.

WHEN WILL I FREAKING LEARN! I will never learn. That is why I have told my agency to NOT tell me when we are being considered. As it happened last time, I want to be mindlessly chomping down on some really great fried chicken when, out of nowhere, I get a call. Here's the specs, OH and you have been selected, this child is yours if you want it!

That's what ended up happening last time and it is the way I need to go now. I cannot take every heart break. And to be honest, the more open you are with your agency, the more you tell them about why you turn down a placement or what scares you about a possible placement, the more they will learn about what you are comfortable with and then you can have it this way too.

Great, now I am stress eating. I was so good for so long and I am right back where I started weight wise. DAMN YOU WAITING!!!!!!!!!! I wonder if anyone has ever done a study to show the amount of weight gain for waiting adoptive mothers as compared to pregnancy weight gain? Would it be identical?

I can't take a vacation because I am saving my days for possible maternity leave, but at the same time...I REALLY NEED A VACATION.

My amazing husband gave me 1 whole hour tonight! I went to the coffee shop, I downloaded a new book, and for one blissful uninterrupted non-stressful hour....I sat, I read, I drank my overpriced sugar buzz, and occasionally eavesdropped on the obvious first date happening beside me. It was great. (Side note, he was so into her, her not so much back. All in the body lingo ladies!)

Well, I guess I feel a little better getting these things out and off my chest. I'll finish up my leftover hibachi and maybe sleep on the couch.

Best of luck to all the waiting folks out there!

Sincerely,
M.S. Simons