Can't sleep, sick of waiting.

I can't sleep. We had a few profiling possibilities and we weren't selected by either of them. I had this sense that it was meant to be! That one of these children was going to be our son. Neither of them even considered us.

Having the experience that I have, you would think I know better than to get my hopes up every time my profile is thrown into the mix. But do I? No. I never fucking learn! Every freaking time....I get a call, my heart races, I hear the specific details, it's a good placement, I throw our hat into the ring and it gets trampled, along with my heart.

WHEN WILL I FREAKING LEARN! I will never learn. That is why I have told my agency to NOT tell me when we are being considered. As it happened last time, I want to be mindlessly chomping down on some really great fried chicken when, out of nowhere, I get a call. Here's the specs, OH and you have been selected, this child is yours if you want it!

That's what ended up happening last time and it is the way I need to go now. I cannot take every heart break. And to be honest, the more open you are with your agency, the more you tell them about why you turn down a placement or what scares you about a possible placement, the more they will learn about what you are comfortable with and then you can have it this way too.

Great, now I am stress eating. I was so good for so long and I am right back where I started weight wise. DAMN YOU WAITING!!!!!!!!!! I wonder if anyone has ever done a study to show the amount of weight gain for waiting adoptive mothers as compared to pregnancy weight gain? Would it be identical?

I can't take a vacation because I am saving my days for possible maternity leave, but at the same time...I REALLY NEED A VACATION.

My amazing husband gave me 1 whole hour tonight! I went to the coffee shop, I downloaded a new book, and for one blissful uninterrupted non-stressful hour....I sat, I read, I drank my overpriced sugar buzz, and occasionally eavesdropped on the obvious first date happening beside me. It was great. (Side note, he was so into her, her not so much back. All in the body lingo ladies!)

Well, I guess I feel a little better getting these things out and off my chest. I'll finish up my leftover hibachi and maybe sleep on the couch.

Best of luck to all the waiting folks out there!

Sincerely,
M.S. Simons

Continuation of the challenge

5.     WRITE A LETTER TO THE BIRTH PARENT(S)/ADOPTIVE PARENT(S) 

Write a letter to your child’s birth/adoptive parents.  Either keep this letter private because this is a personal activity or after the activity if you feel it is appropriate, consider sharing it with who it was intended for.

Dear Birthparents,

We miss you and we wish we would hear from you soon. When she was first born I felt this amazing beautiful connection with you and although our contact after the hospital was only two letters, I miss you and I want to know you are doing well.

You should see how much she has grown. Its amazing. Since you have other children I guess it wouldn't be so shocking for you but since she is our first, we watch with utter amazement as her vocabulary improves, her physician abilities seem to multiply in front of our eyes. She walks, talks, yells, sings, and she even puts her baby dolls to bed. "Lay Down!" she hollers at anyone who decides to play baby for her if they even so much as breathe! "Lay down!" and then she covers you back up with a blanket, plops down beside you and proceeds to rub your back and sometimes sing to you. It is amazing, and funny. I wish you could see it, or at least I wish I could tell you about it.

I wonder everyday where you are and what you are doing. When we last talked you wanted to go back to school and learn a trade. I was hoping so much that you would. You are so smart and so clever and so strong. I've asked the agency to try and locate you but they haven't been successful.

I really hope all is well, you would be so proud of our little girl!

I love and miss you,
M.S. Simons

#4 ( I slacked for a few days!)

4.     WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR CHILD

Write a letter to your child whether or not you have adopted/given birth.  Explain in this letter how you feel about your current situation-both the positives and the negatives- and what changes you would like to see occur – short time and long term.  Remember to read this letter sometime in the future as it will be a nice reference for you and you can measure how much you have changed and grown.  You may be able to one day share this letter with your child as well.

Dear Micah and Future Child,

Today is February 4, 2014 and we are currently waiting for placement on our future child. While we wait, we are enjoying watching Micah grow and develop. Every day we see her do something new we haven't seen her do before. We are contemplating potty training Micah at the ripe age of 22 months.

We are so excited to meet the new little one. We realize this will be a big change for our family and that Micah will have a large adjustment to make. We can't wait to see how good she will be as a big sister. She does such a great job with her baby dolls already.

As for our current situation, we are pretty happy with most things. Daddy and I are hoping to better our careers in the near future. But work is the least important things in our life. We have a beautiful home, 2 great dogs, Micah, and a pending 2nd adoption. We Can't wait to complete our family.

Waiting isn't the easiest but the process is definitely more fun when you spend that time with watching an almost 2 year old run around the house, play with the dogs, and learn and develop.

Love,
Mommy

** not much of a blog post but I did it.**** Hard to do this when Sesame Street is blaring in the background.

Good Luck
M.S. Simons

3.     ARTICLES, ADS, CARTOONS

The media has a lot to do with the way we feel about our society and ourselves in general.  Did you see an article., a cartoon or an advertisement that had either a positive or negative impact on you today?  Describe this impact!

This!

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/couple-run-return-adopted-9-year-old-son-article-1.1518315

This was the media I was exposed to today. I heard about this case for the first time today and all I can say is that these people are not FIT To be adoptive parents.  And the shocking part of this to me...is that they still have custody of their other 2 adopted children. It is always a sad day in the world when someone or some ones make a mockery of adoption.

In this case I want to ask the parents..."What, if he was a natural child you would have shoved him back in?"

How, how can a parent do this to the child they love? I really don't care that the county failed to disclose certain aspects of this child's prenatal exposures. They had this child as their own since he was 3 months old. 9 years later these "parents" (and I use this term loosely) can just say, well he's causing problems, not the PERFECT child, lets take him back and trade him in.

This is not to say that the child's problems aren't serious. It is very serious. BUT what if, just what if he was your natural born child, THEN what would you have done? Would you have still taken him to social services and abandoned him? NO no no no  no. You get this child help. You take him to therapy, get him medication, do zen chants, voodoo chants, pray, anything, everything, explore ALL options out there to help this child. YOU DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK TO SOCIAL SERVICES WITH A NOTE SAYING "Sorry but you aren't part of our family anymore!"

In my world, writing someone out of your family is THE WORST THING You can do to anyone.

Fuck the word Adoptive before the word parent. You are either a parent or not. I am a mother. Mom, Momma, sometimes called Daddy, or on the rare occasion MA! (yes I get that already from my not yet 2 year old). But the fact remains.... I am a mom.It is only if I am discussing about HOW i became a mom that the word Adoptive ever goes before it. I am a proud mother who happens to be a mom via adoption. I am proud of my daughter's adoption and I am proud to discuss it at length with anyone who asks. But I AM A MOM. No matter what my daughter does, no matter what I don't know about her prenatal care, no matter whether she yells at me someday and says "you're not my real mom!!!" (Stab the knife through my heart right now!) but nevertheless, I am HER mother. I will always be.

If you don't share this view point, then DO NOT ADOPT. This includes you wanna be do gooders who think that Adopting a child is a way of helping society and part of your religious mission. You know, the people who say "it's such a blessing to be willing to take this on..." BARF. I really don't care what your motivation is that makes you want to adopt, but once you have adopted, you are a parent to that child for the rest of it's life.

I am disgusted by the people that "re-place" their adopted child with a different family. I am disgusted by this couple that did this to a 9 YEAR OLD! A 9 year old! Can you believe that? This kid isn't being an obnoxious teenager, he obviously has severe emotional and psychological issues. GET HIM HELP. You know what doesn't help a 9 year old with severe emotional issues? ABANDONMENT!

So, that's the media that had the most influence on me today.  Five bucks says Cincinnati and its surrounding areas now go through a dry spell of birth mothers because of this stupid incident. Nothing like national or local news that defiles the word of adoption to have a ripple effect.

So, here I am. Still waiting.

Good Luck,

M.S. Simons

DAY 2 OF THE CHALLENGE:

2.     RISKS

Risks are things that might make us feel fearful, but we go ahead and do them anyway.  You become stronger when you realize you can handle fearful or risky situations without becoming overwhelmed.  A risk may include telling someone how you feel about them or calling the adoptive family you have an open adoption with.  Did you take any risks today? How did you feel when you took them?  How did things turn out?

I took no risks today other than to brave the cold to run across the street for lunch.

I did however recently pass up a chance to take a big risk and leave my current employment to effectively go out on my own. But I said no. I said no because the timing was bad. I said no because I need steady income, I said no because I am a wimp.

I have tried and accomplished many things in my life but I chickened out. Or, as some may say, I just wasn't ready to take the risk. It was really hard for me to turn it down because I am not very content in my current position. "Not content" is an understatement. I am miserable in my current position. My boss treats me like a dumb young kid because when he hired me I was a dumb young kid. But I have improved, developed my own style, succeeded, made a lot of money for the firm, and have successfully dealt with all kinds of different  people, but I was too scared to risk my families well being and stability to pursue my dream. I guess the upside is that I can always change my mind later and go out on my own. I may not have the generous offer I was given, but nothing can stop me from hanging out my own shingle.

Well, I don't think the blog was suppose to be about risk I didn't take, but there it is. I guess in my mind, mistreatment is ranked less scary than financial insecurity. And have no doubt, this ongoing 2nd adoption had a lot to do with my decision to stay where I am at. How could I throw my family into financial insecurity along with an additional child? I want to give my children everything I can. If that means I sacrifice my self-esteem for them, then I guess that's what it takes.

I wont really sacrifice my self-esteem, but I'll keep taking the punches. One day, I will leave because like a famous strong minded woman once said "Nobody wants to see me down like I wants to see me up!" -MB- So my boss can keep insulting my intelligence, making errors in my work where there aren't any, showing me that he has complete and utter lack in faith in someone he pays, and so on. But I'll never be down. For every insult or harsh word he utters to me, I'll compliment myself twice!

Someday, I'll be my own boss, I'll have the two children I dream of, and someday I'll learn to be content with what I have and enjoy it all. Because as another famous person said, "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.".

Good Luck,

M.S. Simons



 

Hello all, if you are out there....a comment would go a long way in making me feel like this isn't some lunatic ramblings with no point.....whatever. I feel better doing it so, who cares if Harvey the Imaginary Rabbit is my only audience. Okay....so....

The CEO of my Adoption agency issued the following challenge, 7 days, 7 blog posts, 7 topics..

and to that I say CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

DAY 1:

1.     MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS

What did you accomplish today? An accomplishment can be as simple as picking up the house or as complex as finishing a big project!

Today, I made dinner for my daughter and me.  A steak dinner nonetheless. I am in the beginning of my 2nd week as a single mom (while my husband is at training in Arizona) and all i wanted to do today was work my hardest even though I only worked a 9 hour work day, give it my all check off a few things on my to do list at work, and make a nice steak dinner. My almost 2 year old ate most of my steak dinner, but that's okay, because it was good. It was healthy, it was PROTEIN! Do you know how hard it is to get a child to eat protein sometimes???? Ridiculously hard! I mean, who doesn't like steak? Well, my daughter likes steak. And peas. I got her to eat that too. Then she had cheese, apple, cereal, and cranberries and finished up with a Drumstick ice cream cone. She then proceeded to play for an hour, politely get into her night gown and within five seconds of holding her in a dark room she ASKED and pointed to go into her bed "Bed go".  I am woman hear me roar! I accomplished enough today. 

It feels really good to know that I accomplished enough. I never NEVER accomplish everything, but enough is oddly rewarding. It's enough for me to have a sound nights sleep without an anxiety attack about what I didn't accomplish. It's enough that I laid in bed and watch a movie that my husband would have NEVER watched with me. I did enough that I don't feel bad about not vacuuming the living room, or taking the trash out. I did enough. I even got a blog post drafted. So there!

You know, sometimes I think I don't focus on my accomplishments enough. Sometimes I focus so much on what I still want, or what I haven't accomplished, or what I will never accomplish that I totally forget that what I have done.

I am a lawyer. I survived 3 miserable years of law school with a class full of awful classmates and I passed the Bar the first time. Despite my Law School advisor telling me that I was likely to fail out cause I wasn't in the top half of my class.

I'm a good lawyer and a good person. You don't see those things so often. I still have a very strong moral code that despite my bosses attempts to beat out of me is still there, guiding me.

I'm a Mom. I didn't just have a roll in the hay one night to become a mom. Who knew there would be paperwork to be a Mom! There was paperwork,  home visits (Cleaning before hand always sucked!), a legal hearing, emotions so powerful they can make you scream, or laugh, or cry, or tear your hair out. I am a MOM, by far my best accomplishment. And she has survived for almost 2 years! I'm not the best mom in the world, but I'm pretty damn good. I have patience with her. I have never been patient in my life but with her, I have it. 

I have a nice home, it's not as clean as it could be, but it's certainly not filthy. I am a good daughter, granddaughter, sister. I am a good dog parent, not so much to the fish but he's still alive so it counts. I'm a wife. A pretty good wife at that. I have mad cooking skills and despite being a klutz, I still have a first aid kit that is MOSTLY intact. 

Some days I come home and I feel like I have spun my wheel but got no where. Okay, MOST days I come home feeling like that. But today, I feel like I got somewhere. I got to my pillow with a clear conscience and a peaceful mind. That is an amazing realization and an awesome feeling.  I can now go to sleep with nothing holding me back from my sweet dreams......

Crap, I forgot to take something out for dinner tomorrow night. Well, there goes that.

Good Luck

M.S. Simons

THE NEXT TOPICS....

2.     RISKS

Risks are things that might make us feel fearful, but we go ahead and do them anyway.  You become stronger when you realize you can handle fearful or risky situations without becoming overwhelmed.  A risk may include telling someone how you feel about them or calling the adoptive family you have an open adoption with.  Did you take any risks today? How did you feel when you took them?  How did things turn out?

3.     ARTICLES, ADS, CARTOONS

The media has a lot to do with the way we feel about our society and ourselves in general.  Did you see an article, a cartoon or an advertisement that had either a positive or negative impact on you today?  Describe this impact!

 4.     WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR CHILD

Write a letter to your child whether or not you have adopted/given birth.  Explain in this letter how you feel about your current situation-both the positives and the negatives- and what changes you would like to see occur – short time and long term.  Remember to read this letter sometime in the future as it will be a nice reference for you and you can measure how much you have changed and grown.  You may be able to one day share this letter with your child as well.

 5.     WRITE A LETTER TO THE BIRTH PARENT(S)/ADOPTIVE PARENT(S) 

Write a letter to your child’s birth/adoptive parents.  Either keep this letter private because this is a personal activity or after the activity if you feel it is appropriate, consider sharing it with who it was intended for.

6.     LIFE CHANGES 

In what way do you feel you have changed as a result of your experiences with birth and adoption? In what way do you feel like your life has changed? In what way do you feel like your relationships have changed? Do you feel these changes have affected you positively or negatively or both? Do you feel comfortable in your role?

7.     OPEN ADOPTION 

Are you content with the amount of open adoption contact you have? If not, what do you think you can do to change things?  Does adoption come up comfortably in conversations? Do you feel like family and friends accept your open relations?  If not, how have you handled this?  If you are parenting other children, do you feel like you’ve been able to explain open adoption to them?

The Phone Always Rings When

Okay, so here is the hardest part of adoption. THE single hardest thing you have to do is to sometimes say "no." I was really lucky. I was lucky because during our last adoption process I said yes to every opportunity. Every single one, including twins, closed, drugs throughout pregnancy, I said yes to it all. Thankfully, they all said no to me. Well, us. They didn't chose us and thank god they didn't because if they had, my daughter's situation may have never happened and I wouldn't be the mommy to this amazing wonderfully smart little girl. I just spent a whole weekend as a single parent, I love my daughter, but Twins!?What the heck was I thinking?!?!

And of course during this weekend, in the midst of two weeks alone while my husband is off for training for his new job, we got a call. The call came in yesterday and the baby had was born yesterday. Our Agency had been contacted by an agency in GA and they needed an adoptive family STAT because the planned Adoptive family wasn't home study approved yet and the kid came early. 

Adoption is already rough that in a way you are benefiting from the misfortune of others. There are all kinds of ways to look at it and feel about it but they don't lecture you about birth parent loss for no reason. Can you imagine adopting at the misfortune of not only a birth family but also another adoptive family who just didn't have their paperwork done yet? So that was one reason I said no. Guilt. Another reason was that it was going to be twice the cost of the adoption we have planned for. 42,000 because we would have to pay our agencies FULL placement fee and the GA Agencies fee plus a HUGE birth parent legal fee. We simply don't have the funds to do that right now with my husband just back to work after two years of on and off again employment. We have our adoption covered but only up to so much. So I said no. 

The third and final reason was that I didn't feel anything when I got the call. Call it divine intervention, voodoo or plain crazy but when I got the call that we had been chosen by a birth mom (we weren't told that we were being profiled) there was like a holy glow, it was unreal, it was dare i say godly....but when I got this call yesterday, it was sad, factual, nothing like the call i got. I do feel that when the time comes and the right situation arises I'll just...know. Like I did about the first one.

So the blunt lesson of the day is that sometimes, saying NO is the right thing to do. And here's the kicker, hard to hear I know, and it makes you want to shout at me and tell me to shut up....but another opportunity WILL come along.  I know how angry you may get hearing this....I have this internal battle every time we get THE CALL but let me put it this way, we had 5 or 6 calls before it worked out with my daughter we have had 3 already in this adoption and I keep getting a call. I'll know when it is right and so will you. I always suggest opening your horizons a bit, but not exceeding your comfort zone.  

Good luck and Good night. May the phone ring for you with just the right tone.

Love,

M.S. Simons