Hi Folks,
After reading my first post again, I figured I needed a positive post.
Today I want to talk about my daughter's adoption. It was an open adoption. When my husband and I started this process we were very afraid of "open" adoption. So let me see if I can calm some of your nerves if you feel that way too:
1) There are various forms of "open". Some open adoptions are so open that they anticipate yearly or bi-yearly visits with the birth parents. But some are just a matter of letters and pictures through the agency with no direct contact. The set up of your open adoption can be anything that all parties are comfortable with.
2) Unfortunately, and I say that word surprisingly (surprising that I feel it is unfortunate when only 2.5 years ago I couldn't imagine having any contact with a woman who birthed my child on a regular basis), a majority of birth moms will "Fade out" over time. Meaning, they may start off very involved and very interested in updates, pictures, meetings etc....but a lot of them over time go their separate ways and you stop hearing from them. This is the case with our birth mom. And believe it or not, I think of her often and wish she would send out a letter. I would love to know what she has been up to.
3) Sometimes you can have an open adoption where you still never meet the birth mom. Now I know that sounds good at first, but let me tell you, I LOVE that I got to meet my daughters birth parents. I spent significant amount of time with them and I love it when I can see parts of my child's personality match her birth parent. NO, it doesn't make me feel like any less of her mother seeing those characteristics in her. For every natural trait I see in her, I see 3 more traits from nurture. For example, it is my husband that taught my daughter to point at you and say cool. This is great and all, but annoying when she is doing this instead of what you told her to do. She is very strong and strong willed, as was her birth mom. But just watch her on her play kitchen and you see she watches and learns from mommy A LOT ( my little Chef!).
Anyway, I can understand wanting a closed adoption and they do still exist despite what you may been told, but there are amazing things about an open adoption. When I look at my daughter and see her birth moms nose and facial structure, it doesn't sadden me, it makes me think of the wonderful angel who made me a mom!
Good luck and stay strong!
M.S.Simons
Monday, December 30, 2013
Friday, December 27, 2013
One small step, One GIANT check!
Hello World! Welcome to my blog. I am not sure whether this blog will ever serve its purpose, but here it goes:
The purpose of this blog is to facilitate honest truthful discussion about the adoption process. I am not an expert, I am not a writer, I am not an agency, I am just an adoptive mother. I went through the wringers and came out a mom.
I don't want to start this discussion like all other adoption discussions. We decided to try, it didn't work, we went to a satanic reproductive endocrinologist, we spent a fortune and then one day, yadda yadda yadda. Let's just skip it, because odds are, if you are really interested in my blog you are sitting there saying "been there! done that!"
Let's just skip that sappy part about failed IVFs and money down the toilet LITERALLY. Lets start with when we were ready for adoption.
Here are my top five thoughts about when I was ready for adoption and this MAY apply to you as well:
1) You want to be a mother with EVERY cell of your body. Your arms ache to hold a baby and you are actually considering adopting ANOTHER puppy just to fill that need (This is how we got our second dog).
2) Your friends have all been pregnant, have shared their stories and told you how terrible pregnancy has been to make you feel better, and you think to your self "Shut up you fat cow, I would die to be in your situation, even if it did mean bed rest for a month!"
3) You can't believe it, but you have to start thinking about the financial situation surrounding the creation of an offspring. This goes something like this... "Well we could do another IVF OR Adoption, but not both....but maybe egg/sperm donor? What about embryo adoption?" Which is the most guaranteed?
4) You have long discussions with god about what you did wrong in a prior life, and why crack heads can get pregnant every five seconds but you can't.
5) This strange dark cloud follows you everywhere. Pregnant women are EVERYWHERE! Babies are EVERYWHERE and you start to grimace at them.
These are just a few things that tipped me off. Look, the fact of the matter is, we only had so much money left and we couldn't keep throwing shit against a wall to see if it stuck. It didn't stick. Much latter I would learn why it wasn't sticking, but that's for another day. Actually, you know what, no...that's for today.
Here is my first big life lesson I have for you folks. IF the IVF and the IUIs and the Clomid and the everything else that requires shooting needles into your ass on a nightly basis isn't working....stop, just stop, and ask WHY! I didn't do that. I just kept blindly following the doctor, because they know best, Right!?!? Not right! No! Here's the truth about reproductive endocrinology....CHILDREN ARE NOT A NECESSARY HEALTH ISSUE!
What do I mean by that? These doctors, these baby makers, they aren't in it to save lives! They are in it to make money. They don't care why it isn't working as long as they can get you to set down a deposit for the next procedure, and the next. I'm not saying they are dishonest, but make them find out why.
Case in point: I have a genetic problem that causes blood clots. Had I known this before 2 failed IVF procedures, I may not have been writing this blog. A few blood thinners with the IVF process and I may have just succeeded. One additional drug and I would maybe have never known the amazing feeling of holding my specific daughter in my arms.
So what's my point? Be it adoption or not, STOP, ASK, do the blood work, do the miscarriage panel, do the genetic testing. It is all considered diagnostic, probably covered by your insurance and can save you a TON of money.
Okay now that I got that out, back to the point. Here is my blunt statement of the day:
ADOPTION IS EXPENSIVE!
But that's not what my agency told me. They said "Anyone, rich or poor, can be an adoptive parent".
Technically, that is true. Those folks who cannot afford an agency adoption can adopt through the county or state. The children may not be newborns. They may not have the best family background, they may have had a rough life thus far. Those children need homes too. And if that is what you are interested in, well please by all means pursue it. I have friends that adopted through the county. It may not be the most expensive process, but it can be heart breaking.
Here's the thing, those children are not being placed for adoption because their birth moms made that choice for them. They are up for adoption because their birth families have been deemed incapable of raising a child. My mother has worked in a domestic relations court for 30 years. I have seen children taken from their homes, returned, and killed within weeks of return.
The state does the best they can, the Public Defenders do the best they can, in the end, it can be a very long process to adopt through this method. Look, when you have a child for 2 years and they are taken away from you, it kills you. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. If you can, then you are a far better person than I.
If you are not capable of going through the heart break of having a child taken away from you, then you will be looking into the Agency or Attorney placed adoptions. Not completely heartbreak free but definitely less and it is VERY EXPENSIVE.
People always come up to me, because they know that I am very open about this and they say "Do you mind if I ask how much it cost?" No I don't mind. Our first adoption cost us approximately $30,000.00.
OKAY, I gave you a number, don't go running. I do honestly believe that that amount was on the high end. It was on the high end because of certain reasons:
1) We went with an agency based out of New York. EVERYTHING is more expensive in New York. I wouldn't trade my agency for the world, and it is why we are going with them for the second adoption.
2) We did not participate in our agencies "Help us help you" program. Many agencies have programs that are less expensive wit the objective that they will help you market yourself to find a placement.
a) Ohio has some pretty strict restrictions on adoption marketing.
b) My husband and I were both working full time, crazy hours and we didn't feel we were
equipped to do this.
Okay, I'm tired. I will post more later. I hope this has helped. Please don't rely on my number above, do your own research. Please, just look into it. It may make you feel better. And please stop and ask WHY.
Good luck,
M.S.Simons
The purpose of this blog is to facilitate honest truthful discussion about the adoption process. I am not an expert, I am not a writer, I am not an agency, I am just an adoptive mother. I went through the wringers and came out a mom.
I don't want to start this discussion like all other adoption discussions. We decided to try, it didn't work, we went to a satanic reproductive endocrinologist, we spent a fortune and then one day, yadda yadda yadda. Let's just skip it, because odds are, if you are really interested in my blog you are sitting there saying "been there! done that!"
Let's just skip that sappy part about failed IVFs and money down the toilet LITERALLY. Lets start with when we were ready for adoption.
Here are my top five thoughts about when I was ready for adoption and this MAY apply to you as well:
1) You want to be a mother with EVERY cell of your body. Your arms ache to hold a baby and you are actually considering adopting ANOTHER puppy just to fill that need (This is how we got our second dog).
2) Your friends have all been pregnant, have shared their stories and told you how terrible pregnancy has been to make you feel better, and you think to your self "Shut up you fat cow, I would die to be in your situation, even if it did mean bed rest for a month!"
3) You can't believe it, but you have to start thinking about the financial situation surrounding the creation of an offspring. This goes something like this... "Well we could do another IVF OR Adoption, but not both....but maybe egg/sperm donor? What about embryo adoption?" Which is the most guaranteed?
4) You have long discussions with god about what you did wrong in a prior life, and why crack heads can get pregnant every five seconds but you can't.
5) This strange dark cloud follows you everywhere. Pregnant women are EVERYWHERE! Babies are EVERYWHERE and you start to grimace at them.
These are just a few things that tipped me off. Look, the fact of the matter is, we only had so much money left and we couldn't keep throwing shit against a wall to see if it stuck. It didn't stick. Much latter I would learn why it wasn't sticking, but that's for another day. Actually, you know what, no...that's for today.
Here is my first big life lesson I have for you folks. IF the IVF and the IUIs and the Clomid and the everything else that requires shooting needles into your ass on a nightly basis isn't working....stop, just stop, and ask WHY! I didn't do that. I just kept blindly following the doctor, because they know best, Right!?!? Not right! No! Here's the truth about reproductive endocrinology....CHILDREN ARE NOT A NECESSARY HEALTH ISSUE!
What do I mean by that? These doctors, these baby makers, they aren't in it to save lives! They are in it to make money. They don't care why it isn't working as long as they can get you to set down a deposit for the next procedure, and the next. I'm not saying they are dishonest, but make them find out why.
Case in point: I have a genetic problem that causes blood clots. Had I known this before 2 failed IVF procedures, I may not have been writing this blog. A few blood thinners with the IVF process and I may have just succeeded. One additional drug and I would maybe have never known the amazing feeling of holding my specific daughter in my arms.
So what's my point? Be it adoption or not, STOP, ASK, do the blood work, do the miscarriage panel, do the genetic testing. It is all considered diagnostic, probably covered by your insurance and can save you a TON of money.
Okay now that I got that out, back to the point. Here is my blunt statement of the day:
ADOPTION IS EXPENSIVE!
But that's not what my agency told me. They said "Anyone, rich or poor, can be an adoptive parent".
Technically, that is true. Those folks who cannot afford an agency adoption can adopt through the county or state. The children may not be newborns. They may not have the best family background, they may have had a rough life thus far. Those children need homes too. And if that is what you are interested in, well please by all means pursue it. I have friends that adopted through the county. It may not be the most expensive process, but it can be heart breaking.
Here's the thing, those children are not being placed for adoption because their birth moms made that choice for them. They are up for adoption because their birth families have been deemed incapable of raising a child. My mother has worked in a domestic relations court for 30 years. I have seen children taken from their homes, returned, and killed within weeks of return.
The state does the best they can, the Public Defenders do the best they can, in the end, it can be a very long process to adopt through this method. Look, when you have a child for 2 years and they are taken away from you, it kills you. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. If you can, then you are a far better person than I.
If you are not capable of going through the heart break of having a child taken away from you, then you will be looking into the Agency or Attorney placed adoptions. Not completely heartbreak free but definitely less and it is VERY EXPENSIVE.
People always come up to me, because they know that I am very open about this and they say "Do you mind if I ask how much it cost?" No I don't mind. Our first adoption cost us approximately $30,000.00.
OKAY, I gave you a number, don't go running. I do honestly believe that that amount was on the high end. It was on the high end because of certain reasons:
1) We went with an agency based out of New York. EVERYTHING is more expensive in New York. I wouldn't trade my agency for the world, and it is why we are going with them for the second adoption.
2) We did not participate in our agencies "Help us help you" program. Many agencies have programs that are less expensive wit the objective that they will help you market yourself to find a placement.
a) Ohio has some pretty strict restrictions on adoption marketing.
b) My husband and I were both working full time, crazy hours and we didn't feel we were
equipped to do this.
Okay, I'm tired. I will post more later. I hope this has helped. Please don't rely on my number above, do your own research. Please, just look into it. It may make you feel better. And please stop and ask WHY.
Good luck,
M.S.Simons
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